Lesson Five

Saturday night was a very busy night this weekend. I waited on 23 tables...and more than half of them was the most annoying table I'd ever had :) When waiting tables I always try to reserve my judgment (keyword try) so that even if they are redneck, black, old, young, weird, annoying, rude or ugly I don't feel like a bitch if after all my shit talking they leave me a good tip. Case in point....the most redneck table ever came in on Saturday night. I'm telling you, these people probably drank a Natty light on the way to the "Abyss" aka Restaurant X. They sit down and this man is 30 seconds from all of his teeth falling out. They were very needy...every time I brought them something they asked for there was a "I should've asked you for this a minute ago but...." Of course I kept the fake smile locked on my face at all times and at the end of their dinner the couple left me $20 on $60. I was fucking FLABBERGASTED!! Flabbergasted enough to use that word. THANK GOD I WAS SO NICE. Out of the 23 tables I had on Saturday this was one of the only tables I had that left me a great tip...and sadly also one of the only tables who tipped me above 15%. Later on I had a table of yuppies. When they sat down the woman ordered a filet and of course I'm think cha ching. The kitchen was slammed and it probably took 10 minutes after I put in the order for their salads to come out. I apologized and the man says, "Its taking so long I thought you were growing the lettuce," to which I replied, "Oh yes sir...I actually just pulled the lettuce out of the ground myself...you'll love how fresh it is (insert fake ass smile)." Seriously dick head? It only took ten fucking minutes and it's Saturday night. We are on an hour and a half wait...what did you expect? Then later on while I had four tables on this busy night I ask a table if they are ready to order. They say they are definitely ready because they are so hungry and then they sit there and look at the menu for another 70 seconds deciding what they want while I stand there looking like a total loser. The answer rude man was, "No, I'm still deciding can I have a couple more minutes." And aggravating still after standing there for thirty seconds while he is looking at his menu making weird noises I say "Sir would you like me to give you a minute." You know because I am busy and have other tables that need things. The guys says no, stares at his menu for another 40 seconds and then places his order, making me name all the side items, dressings and toppings on the salad. Wow, for as long as you stared at the menu I thought you would have it memorized by now. Then when I move on to his wife she also asks me to repeat the side items, the dressings and the toppings on the salad. Seriously, I hate you people. Read your menu, listen when other people ask questions and be considerate of the people around you. And then the table that really pissed me off...a four top of redneck looking motherfuckers sits down. Immediately I knew that these crackers weren't going to leave me shit. I know, I know...I judged them! "Hi, how are ya'll doing today? My name is Rachel and I'll be taking care of you...can I start you with something to drink? (smile)"
"What if we want appetizers?"
What if you give me a fucking second to take your drink order and then I'll ask you if you would like an appetizer. Three sweet teas and a coke...a chicken and bacon quesadilla with the scallions on the side (and of course ranch), an order of fried onions, and a bowl of potato soup. Seriously...not to toot my own horn...but I'm a great fucking server. TOOT TOOT! I take the people their drinks (holding all four in my hands) and the second I set a drink down the guy asks for a straw. DO YOU NOT SEE THAT I HAVE MY HANDS FULL? I really really really hate it when people do that. And it happens all the time. Should I start carrying straws in my mouth when my hands are full so I can just drop them on the table? Is it just me who was born with only two hands...am I lacking that third arm that customers seem to think I should have? Once I get all the drinks and straws on the table I hear SLUUUURRRP coming from both sides and both the guys sitting there had finished their entire sweet teas. "Can we get some refills?" Are you fucking kidding me? How old are you that you can't slow your roll and not chug your drink? Were you raised in a barn or do you like not having any table manners? It's a busy night...I have been double sat since I got your drinks and your pulling this shit on me? Being double sat for you non-servers is when you have two tables sit down at the exact same time. You have to great them one after the other, get their drinks at the same time, and take their dinner orders at the same time. Basically, these two tables are going to be at the same pace the entire night which is not a big deal unless you have a bunch of jerks giving you a hard time. When I come back to the table with their refills they have a basket of croissants on their table. Since they didn't order them through me I knew that that must know someone who works with me. When I go to the back "Skipper" tells me that he knows the table and they are going to leave me a fat tip. Feeling like a judgmental bitch I make sure that their cups runneth over with sweet tea for the rest of their dinner. I'm not exaggerating when I say they had at least six sweet teas each. AND WHAT DO THESE CHEAP DICKHEADS DO? Their combined tab was $120 and the douchebags leave me $12 all together. That tip was so fucking fat that I think I am going to quit my job and work on my blog full time. I'm telling you Saturday night was one bad tip after the other. With my $1,100 sales I ended up with $140 dollars after my thirty dollar tip out. Tip out for those of you who don't wait is three percent of my total sales that I have to pay the restaurant at the end of the night. That money is used to pay the hosts and the bartenders. I would never complain about making more than a hundred dollars...except for today. With all the bullshit I dealt with leaving with less than fifteen percent sucked.

This blog is getting really long today so I am going to speak my peace about my hosting shift today and post this for all the world too read. One day I am going to build a restaurant with absolutely no booths and I am going to call it "Anti-Booth." Seriously, I'm fucking sick of it! I hate it when people say, "I hate to ask you this but..." can you get a fucking booth? Or would you mind cleaning that booth I'd rather sit there. Or, you can put me on a wait for a booth. I also hate it when I have just finished washing the glass on the front door and someone WHO JUST SAW ME WIPING IT DOWN opens the door by putting their greasy hands all over it. Thanks dickhead...I'm so glad that I am going to have to clean that window again. Obviously this person doesn't live in a glass house. OBVIOUSLY THIS PERSON LIVES IN A BARN! But today justice was served my friends. Remember the blog I wrote about the annoying children who run around the restaurant like it's Candy Land? Today when this family was finished eating and heading out of the restaurant a little girl was running full steam ahead when she ran right into my perfectly-clean-they-look-non-existent windows and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Bet that little girl never runs through a restaurant again...and hopefully she'll tell all her wittle friends :)

And to all my fellow coworkers...DING DONG THE WITCH IS GONE...WHICH OLD WITCH? THE BEAUTY QUEEN BITCH :)