The Annoying, The Disgusting, The Obnoxious, The Aggravating, and the Downright Trashy

Hi friends, I know it has been a while since my last update but don't worry I have been taking many notes to blog about in my absence. I have been working a lot recently at Sub Hell and Restaurant X and the main thing that has been bothering me at both this week is the issue of cell phone usage. GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND PLACE YOUR ORDER. I hate it when I walk up to a table and someone is on the phone. It isn't so much the complete lack of respect that they are showing me by not hanging up it's the fact that they ignore my presence until I have asked them a thousand times what they want to drink. It takes two seconds to place your drink order and you can easily ask your friend to hold on a second while you tell me what you'd like. Once upon a time on a busy Saturday night back when I was working at Outback Hellhouse I approached a table with a woman on her cell phone...I looked at her husband and said, "Hi my name is Rachel, can I start you with something to drink tonight?" follow by a SLAP!! This bitch actually hit me. "Can you not see that I am on the phone?!" Shocked at what just happened I walked away from the table and returned twenty minutes after she got off the phone. Thinking back that bitch is lucky I didn't slap the black off her ass...who hits a fucking stranger? She had no clue whether I'm an ex-con who went to jail for beating up old women...and she's lucky I'm not. At Sub Hell when someone orders their food we make it and then yell there name and bring it too them. I cannot even count the many times I have yelled someones name four hundred times for them to rudely raise the hand not holding the cell phone to their ear. I can't imagine the number of people who have grabbed the wrong order (which I had to remake) and left because they didn't want to get off of their phone for five minutes. That is why I will label you people the annoying.

This next section is a short one...the disgusting. For some reason this always seems to happen to the elderly and it is a little something I call salad mouth. I hate it when a 70 year old person is eating a salad and they have dressing all over their mouth and lettuce hanging from their face and they sit there and talk to you like they don't know a head of iceberg lettuce is growing out of their face. It really grosses me out. Use that napkin in your lap and wipe your mouth like a big kid, thanks.

Something really obnoxious that diners do is when I am taking their order (which may or may not be "complicated") and they explain how they want their food a thousand times. If you want you steak butterflied medium plus with no seasoning, a salad with all the toppings on the side with two different dressing and a baked potato with nothing but ranch I can guarantee you that I will make that happen. The first thing I want to talk about here is the matter of "medium plus"...no one (including you) knows what the fuck that means. I am going to send the temperature in as medium and your going to think it is perfect. There are already 5 different temperatures you can get your steak cooked...lets leave it at that. The second annoying part is your order isn't that complicated and even if it was I am writing all of this down...just because I wait tables doesn't mean I'm stupid...in my case it just means I'm too lazy to go back to school. I hate it when someone is explaining their order (for the millionth time) and they are asking for shit that comes standard with their entree. "Yes I'd like my chicken tenders fried, my fries seasoned, and my salad in a bowl." Thanks, I'll see if I can manage that.

Here is one I have been wanting to blog about for a while...the aggravating. At least once a night when I ask a table how they'd like to split their check I have to listen to them argue forever over who is going to pay for it. "Excuse me miss, bring me the check."
"No, bring it to me please."
"No, I said bring it to me he's a bad tipper."
"Believe me I am a much better tipper than he is...I want to pay for it."
WHAT THE FUCK? You are an asshole for putting me in this awkward situation. What would you do if someone at your job was doing that to you??? Most of the time the rule is whomever asks for the check first gets it...my rule is whoever looks like a better tipper gets the check. Unfortunately it is hard to tell who is the better tipper if they look like nice people or who the least shitty tipper if they don't. The worst outcome is when someone is just saying they want the bill hoping you will give it to their friend but leave you a horrible tip when you don't. Here is a little advice from someone with somewhat limited life experience...if someone is being gracious enough to buy your meal be gracious enough to accept. Oh...and I hate you.

And now to the downright trashy. The other day one of my coworkers and I were splitting a forty top on the patio. While waiting to be sat the crowd is heard saying, "Damn....who eva gets our table is gonna get hooked the fuck up." It was a going away party for a woman and sadly enough her pathetic ass was throwing it for herself. Pretty much everyone drank water and ate sandwiches and salads. After passing out the checks and collecting all the money it was clear that not a single one of them "hooked us up" at all. NOT A DAMN PERSON EVEN LEFT ONE EXTRA DOLLAR FOR MY COWORKER AND I TOO SPLIT! The reason that you are the downright trashy is because you are a phony ass broke bitch. Don't brag about hooking up your server if you can barely afford to buy your meal. I have been tricked many times into almost obsessive perfection at a table because of your big tipper bullshit. Put your money where your mouth is.

And one last rant before I post...what is with old ass motherfuckers who work in the kitchen thinking that just because their pathetic asses have been working prep for three years they have the right to tell anyone what to do. At Restaurant X there is this dickhead that I will call Toby (HA!) that thinks he owns the place. Always asking what are you doing...why are you doing that...you better clean that up. You know what?? BOY YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN AND MAKE A TWISTY CHICKEN RORO BEFORE YOUR OLD ASS TURNS TO DUST! The day you make more money than me is the day you can tell me what to do...THANKS!! The nerve of any kitchen guy to question what the hell I'm doing really pisses me off. If I fuck something up it isn't going to affect your hourly wage but if you fuck up my food I'm going to get a shitty tip. Get off your high horse and make me a fucking salad.

Lesson 8

Hello my dear friends...it is that time again for another blog. Just now I realized that I haven't really gone into what goes on when a restaurant gets busy. Sure I've told stories where I have been annoyed while busy but I have never given a run down on what it is like to be completely behind or as we say in the biz...in the weeds. I have been working cocktail a lot lately and in some ways it is much different than working the floor. Cocktail is always first come first serve where-as being on the floor is on a rotated (by empty tables of course) list. On a busy night most people crowd around the bar while they wait for their buzzer to go off but when they see a table around the bar get up they are quick to rush to it even though it is still dirty. And they expect immediate service. Restaurant X is one of the few restaurants that I have worked at that doesn't have three or four bus boys running around cleaning tables...we have one. When we work on the floor for the most part we buss our own and when working in cocktail we 100% of the time clean our own tables. So this leads me to one of my first pet peeves...you see me running around being busy as fuck...why must you continue to stand not only in my way but you are standing in a large group. If the restaurant were a cholesterol ridden heart valve you would be the blood clot to kill us all. Seriously, I have walked through the middle of your group announcing "I'm sorry! Excuse me! Sorry...excuse me" a thousand times and you continue to say "No, don't be sorry it's our fault for being in your way." If that's the way you truly feel then MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! I mean really...why are you going to group by the end of the bar that is OBVIOUSLY where the servers go to get their drinks...that end of the bar is called the service well...it is distinguishable by the black mats and row of white tickets. DON'T STAND THERE...you are in our way. Annoyance number 2...I hate it when I walk up to great a table in cocktail and I say, "Hi, how are you? My name is Rachel! How many people are in your party so I can go grab you silverware and menus and what can I get you to drink?"
And they say, "Oh, I'm just sitting here while I wait for my buzzer to go off."
And then I say, "Actually this is first come first serve over here...I'll be your server."
"No, I'll just wait, thanks anyway."
Actually bitch, no you won't. If you don't want to eat here (which why wouldn't you?) then get the fuck outta here, thanks. Someone else would more than appreciate this table and be willing to tip me. Annoyance number three...I hate it when someone's spouse tries to order for them and then they argue about it. Yes ma'am...I've already taken your order...now it is your husbands turn so shut the hell up. Half the time they interrupt their spouse while they are answering one of my many dinner questions with the opposite answer I end up writing down. You are really wasting my time...I am to busy to verify his order through you and him...so play the quiet game and let the big kids talk. One more serving annoyance for tonight and I will move on to making subs. Number 5...for the last time...when I say that this plate is hot please let me put it down for you don't argue and say you can handle it and reach for the plate. I wouldn't tell you it was hot if it wasn't and I know the minute you grab it your going to let go and I also know how heavy these plates are. Regardless of whether you grab it or not I am still going to hold on to it as we set it down together so I don't get bitched at by my boss when you drop the plate, flip the food on your lap and I have to walk to the kitchen to get it remade for you. Just let me put your food down...this isn't a macho thing.

OK so lets talk about subs. Since the Sub Club is across the street from a large hospital we get busy around 11:30 and it normally stays that way until about one. Today we were so busy we had a line outside the door all the while we had tickets strewn across the board. Being the sub shop across the street we definitely have our share of regulars at the Sub Club and I absolutely loathe it when my boss starts talking to one of them and not paying attention to his job. AND HE'S MY BOSS. Don't get me wrong...I love the guy but seriously "November" we are way to busy for you to be shooting the shit with a stranger we happen to make food for everyday. And then there are the people who come up to the line and start asking us things about their subs. "Can I get extra mayo? My name is Brett. Can I get hot peppers? My name is Fuckface. Can I get a large instead? Can I change my sub? Have you already made mine...I want it cold now? Can I get a side of honey mustard? Can I have a fork? Can I get salt and pepper? Just wanted to let you know the bathroom is dirty. I just saw someone change a diaper on a table. Is my food coming up?" CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM BUSY AND FOCUSED AND YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR THAT SHIT EARLIER? How about instead of ruining my focus you look by the soda station for the shit your asking for? Or when someone calls in an order for 10 subs in the middle of lunch and gets pissy when we say its going to be 20-25 minutes. I'm sorry that you and all your friends want to eat subs at the exact same time as the rest of the hospital...but you should know that we are going to be busy. I hate it when I have a sub to deliver to someone in the dining room and I call there name and they raise their hand and I tell them what I have in my hand, they say it is there's and then two minutes later I have two people looking at me...one saying they have been waiting forever for their food and the other saying we didn't give him the right sub. Hey dickmouth...when I said the name Beth and you raised your hand and I asked you again if you were Beth and told you what the sub was you should have known then that it wasn't your food. Now I have to remake this sub while making all this other food because you are an idiot...sit the fuck down and raise your hand when YOUR name is called.

Please non-service workers, read this blog and hear my plea...don't be a fool and together we can save the servers.

High Maintenance

So here is the first of many Sandwich rants. Ask and you shall receive people! Yesterday while working at Sandwiches two women come in and ask me about splitting a large sub. I told them they would both be getting a six inch sub and we could put certain things on half and not on the other half. I told them that the only thing we couldn't do half of was the meat because that needs to be the same throughout the whole sub. I have no problem whatsoever with someone splitting a large sub...we do it on a daily basis. When the ticket comes back the first thing I read is large hook and ladder (ham and turkey sub) with ham on half and turkey on the other. What the fuck did I just get finished telling you bitches. And the damn cashier even allowed them to do it knowing damn well we don't do that kind if crap. The first half was ham and provolone, lite mayo, chopped pickle, and no tomatoes. The second half was no mayo, extra chopped pickle, extra lettuce and extra tomato. We send out the subs and five seconds later it comes back, I don't know what was wrong with it the first time but apparently the bitch eating the turkey side has a bunch of restrictions on her diet. So of course I'm a little pisses because I know I made the sub correctly in the first place. So we remake the damn thing and I make the bread the exact way it says on the ticket. We send it out and five seconds later it comes back again. Apparently the cashier rang in the sub wrong and the woman with the turkey can't eat cheese and blah blah blah. IF YOU HAVE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS ON WHAT YOU EAT MAKE IT EASIER ON EVERYBODY AND ORDER YOUR OWN DAMN SUB! After the third aggravating try it is finally right and they eat it all the while I just want to shove that sub down her freaking throat. All that shit to save two dollars, we are short staffed and in the middle of a busy lunch. And then there is this little bitch named Sharon that comes in every once in a while. She used to come in everyday but ever since we caught her robbing us blind of brownies, cookies and chips she's too embarrassed to come in as often. At Sandwiches we pride our selves on toasting the bread and steaming the meat and the cheese. Well apparently this bitch got kicked out of Quiznos because she always wants her meat toasted. I swear this bitch is always trying to refer to herself as a regular and we the crew refuse to acknowledge it. Every time she calls to phone in her order she says this is Sharon, tell them my name and they'll know how to make it. Sorry bitch, tell us how you want it or your going to steam it even though we know damn well you want it toasted.

Lets move right along to Restaurant X. The other day as I was taking an order I realized there is something I have yet to write about in my blog. DON'T ARGUE WITH YOUR SERVER ABOUT WHAT IS ON THE MENU, WHAT IT COMES WITH, OR HOW YOU GOT IT LAST TIME. I cannot stand it when someone tries to order something that isn't on the menu and then argues with me about it. Excuse me dick head, but I fucking work here. I have taken a menu test and I sure as fuck know what is on the menu better than you do. When you order a pasta at Restaurant X it comes with a salad and does not include a side. It has never come with a side and if you got one before than you fucking paid $2.19 for it. I also hate it when someone orders an appetizer as their dinner and want a side salad to come out before it. Then they get pissed when they get charged $5.99 for the salad because it says on the menu that you can add a side salad for $2.49 with any entree. A fucking appetizer is not an entree...learn how to read. Maybe when you came in last time your server only charged you 2 bucks but unless I like your ass a whole lot I'm not going to do that for you. Order an entree like a big boy and pay your bill. Also, this is not Ruby Tuesday...we do not have flavored lemonade or tea. If you ask me what flavor tea we have the answer is sweet or unsweet and we carry yellow lemonade...not pink. I can't stand it when you sleazy freaks at the bar make sexual comments every time I walk past you. I'm sorry but any guy that is going to sleaze it up at a restaurant bar isn't my type. Don't sit there and harass me for my number...the only reason I am talking to you to begin with is for the money. And one last annoyance for today...I hate it when you middle aged people tell me all about how you used to be a server and know what its like to run around and be under appreciated and under tipped and then leave me 10%. If your going to shit me then fine, believe me I'm used to it but don't sit up here and bring up my injustices.

Let me address an issue that I have been receiving a bit of flack for. I cuss a lot...but all I have to say for myself is that this is my way of releasing frustration while entertaining you at the same time. If you can't stand the cursing than please see the X at the right corner of the page. This is who I am and this is how I feel. Welcome to MY blog :)

Save the Service Industry

I feel as though I have taught the consumer pretty much the basic lessons to not being a dick when they go out to eat. While it is never hard to think about aggravating things that people do on the daily basis I feel as though we should broaden our horizons a bit. As all of you know, I wait tables. What some of you may not know is that I also work a second job ever day before I go to Restaurant X. I make subs at a place I'll call Sandwiches. I am what you call a slave to the service industry. A couple of friends have mine have suggested that I include my sub making artistry into my blog. Which has me thinking I now have another example of the service industry to blab about. Which also makes me think I should change the name of my blog.

So here its goes. Ever since I was in high school I've had a job at Sandwiches. My mananger...who I'll call November is the coolest boss I've ever had. The job is easy (I mean how hard is it to make subs) the pay is good, and some (NOT ALL) of my coworkers are awesome. Other than that everything else is just as aggravating as waiting tables. A typical day at work starts at about 10:30...I walk in the door and either start rolling meat or rolling pickles. By 11:30 we are slammed. Since we are right across from a large hospital we are busy as hell every day. What I like about working at Sandwiches is that I make the food in the scenario and the only contact I have with a customer is when they ask me to add something on their sub that they forgot to tell the cashier. What I love about making subs is that I don't have to be fake nice and super attentive and since I get paid by the hour I can be short with you if I think you are being rude. My biggest issue about working here is that I have been working at Sandwiches for 4 years of my life and I absolutely can not stand some of my dumbass coworkers. Making subs is the easiest job on the planet...if you can drive your car you can operate a register...and if you can wipe your ass you can make a sub. Whenever I write my upcoming blogs and I am talking about Sandwiches you are going to hear me bitch about two people for the most part. The first who I will call Little Tooth has been working at Sandwiches for a little over a month now. He is not only extremely horrible at this job but he is always huffing and puffing. Ugh...just looking at this guy annoys me. The second person I will talk a lot about shall be called Humpty Dumpty. She has been working at Sandwiches since before Christmas and I swear to God everyday is like her first day. She never listens when she is told to do something...she has absolutely no common sense and she still has no idea how to run the register. Get this...she has told us that in her previous job she was an EMT...are you fucking kidding me? I bet this bitch has the highest fatality rate in the United States. So that is basically an intro into a new part of my blog.

So back to the usual. Its been a really busy couple of days. No slow Monday or Tuesday nights to report about her...and the weekend was slammed also. I'm going to start listing a couple of examples of rude behavior that are still bothering me.
A young couple comes and sits on the patio with me last night. They order two appetizers, cocktails and hamburgers with side salads. After chatting with them I learn that the boyfriend manages a Waffle House. We gripe back and forth about server injustice and as they leave they tell me to keep the change with a wink and I open the book to see $4 dollars on a $45 dollar tab. I HATE YOU CHEAP BITCHES WHO BRAG ABOUT WORKING IN RESTAURANTS AND LEAVE A SHITTY TIP! YA'LL ARE A BUNCH OF TRASHY MOTHERFUCKERS! On Saturday night I was cocktailing and around 12 it becomes a watering hole of servers getting off of work with money in their pockets. Some of them are rude or in there own world and then they order lots of cheap beer and I'm running around like a crack head getting them refills and then they leave two fucking dollars. What these servers don't know is that I am keeping a mental checklist and one day I am going to sit in your section and remind you kindly about how I recognize you from Restaurant X and then I am going to run your ass off. And then I am going to leave you only enough of a tip to cover your tip share. On the flip side...I love it when servers come in and eat. When I go out to eat I always make sure to tell my server that I wait tables so they know that not only am I going to hook them up, but that I expect service in a timely manner. Most servers who go out to eat are always more than generous and fun to take care of.
Yesterday a family requested to sit on the patio. There is a smoking ban in Columbia but customers at Restaurant X are allowed to smoke on the patio. As soon as this 12 year old girl goes outside she has a fucking breakdown and starts sobbing as they take her inside. Apparently she is sensitive to cigarette smoke. The most annoying part was fifteen minutes later when she was sitting inside she was still fucking crying! Get the fuck over it you little spoiled bitch. My momma would have beat my little butt if I acted like that in a restaurant. And even more aggravating still was five minutes later when I'm busy as hell this little brat is getting in my way by standing right near the computer I need to get to doing fucking ballerina swirls. I hate kids.
I had a man with his family order a double shot of McGillicuddy and then immediately told my to hurry up. Number one, fuck you. Number two, your not my only table. And number three, just because you said that I am going to take forever. Anyone who is that rude isn't going to leave you a good tip and if they do it's because they know that's the price they have to pay to be rude and still have good karma when they leave.

Too my fellow coworkers...how funny is it listening to Generals little pep talks. That guy is Forest Gump...makes me laugh hearing him try to use all these big words in the wrong context ;)

Lesson 7

Good Lord, have I really written this many blogs? Better yet...are people still reading them?! For some reason you people must be as crazy as me...so here is another blog for you. This week has been pretty slow so far (as usual) and today I had plenty of time to make a list of aggravating shit I have yet to blog about. Before we get into all that I would like to take the opportunity to write about the many "regulars" we have at Restaurant X. Nothing puts a smile on my face more than seeing a regular sitting down at my table. I always give my regulars the best service because not only do I see them twice a week but I like them and they like me. I was shocked to read yesterday that a man wrote for the New York Post that a diners biggest fear when eating at a restaurant is that their server will recognize them. What planet is this guy from? He was saying that being known as a regular scares people away from eating there too often because they are "pressured" into ordering a certain food and tipping a certain way. After reading his list of shitty reasons why it would suck to be a regular I realized this guy was just a cheap ass. When a regular walks in I don't walk up to him with a knife and demand he order the same Jack and ginger and that his old ass mother order a St. Gay rum and diet coke. I really don't care what he orders but I know he appreciates the fact we know what he likes. I go to the same Kangaroo everyday when I get off of work to buy a grape cigarillo and it pisses me off every time this bitch asks to see my i.d. I try not to be insulted but I find it hard to believe that after 9 months of seeing my face she doesn't at least know I am over the age of 18 by now. But before you diners get all excited about being well known at a restaurant be aware that there are two types of regulars. The first type is the kind that you are able to converse with about everyday things, they don't expect all of your attention and they take care of you for taking great care of them. And then there are the notorious regulars...and every restaurant has them. When I worked at Outback Steakhouse this jerk named Carl came in every night drinking the cheapest wine, talking as loud as possible and staying until more than an hour past close. He would always beg for a free glass of wine and leave a decent/shitty tip. At Restaurant X we have the biggest dickhead ever. Let me give you a quick rundown on this man, he is a middle aged gay black man who refuses to sit with anyone but Hunky and has been kicked out of Restaurant X numerous times but for some reason ALWAYS comes back. I just don't fucking get it! When he is not getting kicked out he is bitching about something that isn't perfect...he NEVER comes in and has a quiet dinner and leaves. Why go into a restaurant if you hate everything about it?! The first time I ever met this guy I fucked up and put the wrong chicken on the wrong salad. When I put the salad down on the table he starts freaking out. "What is this? This is grilled chicken not blackened chicken! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
I mean I honestly thought this guy was kidding at first. "Get this food out of my face right now, ma'am."
As I go to take the food off the table the woman sitting with him tells me to leave it and go get Hunky. "No! I said get this food out of my face right now!"
Then the back and forth. Take it, leave it, take it, leave it. Finally I threw my hands up and told the table I would go get their server. As I am walking into the kitchen this crazy ass man is literally chasing me down yelling at me to get the food out of his face. I'll be the first to admit that I fucked up but I have never seen anyone freak out like that before. Well tonight the man comes back in to eat with Hunky and again starts with his weird shit. He complained to a manager because while he and his server were talking, a neighboring table interrupted them to ask for something. How the fuck is that our fault? And what is the point in complaining to a manager about it? Is he going to walk up to that table and be like...excuse me you have really offended this asshole sitting behind you for interrupting him while he was ordering his pizza...can you please shut the fuck up? This situation really fucking pisses me off. Do you have any idea how many times I have been taking an order only to have some impatient dickhead yanking the linen on my ass for some fucking ranch? Or hear them yelling "Hey you...I need another refill!" Yes Mr. Miserable, that shit is rude...so maybe you'll stop doing it now too. All I can say is thank God for the normal regulars...even if one of them writes erotic vampire novels and wears nipple rings to dinner!

Today while bussing one of my tables I noticed a bunch of things that are really fucking annoying. First things first. WHY ARE YOU STEALING THE PEPPER GRINDER/SALT SHAKER/SUGAR CADDY OFF OF THESE TABLES?! I hate you diners who do that so much. Honestly, what do you need that sugar caddy for? What are you going to do when your pepper grinder needs refilling? I get bitched at by my boss every time I have to ask for one of the $25 chrome sugar caddys. "You need to be watching these people. Chase them down if you have too." HAHAHAHA chase them down if I have too? Yeah I am going to chase after some broke ass jerk who probably stiffed me before stealing this salt shaker for $2.13 an hour. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MANAGEMENT, REALLY. Like I've said before I was born with two arms not three and I was also born with one set of eyes...and they are not located in the back of my head. I have way to much other crap going through my head at work to think, "Hmmm....are those trashy motherfuckers stealing my pepper grinder right now?"
Let me give you a little insight as to what I am thinking about when I am fairly busy at work. Take tables 3s order and get them ranch for their wings, get table 4 two waters and ketchup for their fries, table 5 needs two spoons for their dessert before it gets to their table, three boxes and a check, I need to get some ice for the ice bin and stock some glasses and I need to run some food for my boss. A common misconception is that all our job entails is getting your food. No ignorant mother fuckers...its not. I have my running side-work which can be anything from stocking glasses and ice to making coffee and tea and I always have to be running food out of the kitchen to other tables.
Also, while I was collecting all the napkins and glasses off the table I was bussing I noticed all the salt on the beverage napkins...and the rest of the table. Yeah I know people do it so that the napkin won't stick to the bottom of the glass...but WHO GIVES A FUCK?! Are you drinking from the bottom of your glass? Seriously, why does it matter if a napkin is stuck to your glass when you are letting it sit on a napkin in the first place? Plus, that stupid salt trick doesn't work anyway!

So the other day I was saying how I would like to start grading my service when I go out to eat so that we servers would know what we need to work on. Since that time I have gone out to eat three times and I don't have a single complaint (surprisingly). So far my conclusion is servers rule, consumers suck. Can we start a Save the Servers movement? It goes like this...go out to eat, leave your server the tip they deserve and write the web address savetheservers.blogspot.com on the top of your check! Also my mother was reading my blog and said that I needed to "clean up my language, missy." All i gotta say is...sorry Mom ;)

Dreams

After last night I feel the need to write a mini-blog to let you non-servers know how pathetically dedicated we servers are to our jobs. All last night I dreamed that I was waiting tables. And of course, it wasn't a peaceful dream with a smooth running shift, it was a stressful one. In my dream I had four small tables and for some reason there were six people at each table. All of my tables got sat at the exact same time and when I go into the kitchen to get their drinks there isn't enough glasses for everyone at my tables. Each time I grab a glass to put on my tray I looked down and it was gone. Then as I tried to read what everyone ordered as their beverage I noticed that I had written my orders in dry erase markers and I couldn't make out a single drink. I walk over to the computer to put in their dinner orders and I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, "I am in the fucking weeds so bad this has to be a dream!!"
Followed by a coworker saying, "This isn't a fucking dream bitch, hurry, I need to use the computer too!"

You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you I dream of waiting tables 4 or 5 times a week. It's ridiculous! I wait tables all night, go home, go to sleep and have another stressful night at work. Unfortunately I don't get to keep the money but at least the stress is free. So here is another reason for you to go easy on your server...we have been dreaming about this shit all night! Every server that I know has these dreams about as often as I do. I believe it is probably some form of PTSD that we have given ourselves.

I know this wasn't a full blown blog about anything "blog-worthy" but it was a between blogs blog...so be happy about it :)

Lesson 6

Welcome back to Lesson 6! So many little annoyances to talk about today...so be forewarned a lot of ranting is coming your way ;) More specifically over the period of 5 days the one I'm going to talk about the most was last night. A couple of nights a week I wait tables around the bar called cocktailing. Normally the closer it gets to the weekend the busier the bar is and last night being Thursday was no different. My second table of the nights sits in the large table underneath the biggest television in the bar. Just for future reference we have seven t.v.s in the bar. So a couple of guys sit down at the table and before I can even greet them they have already requested the t.v. be changed to the Duke game. I greet the tables first few members and get their drinks while the rest of the men stagger in and finally I take their dinner order. They all drank beer and were nice and easy going but I didn't set high expectations for my tip, either. A while later they cash out and an hour later they are still sitting there watching the game. Restaurant X starts getting busy and the bar fills up. Well the sausage fest from earlier decides that apparently the biggest t.v. in the restaurant isn't enough anymore and like Hitler taking over Europe, these men start claiming televisions. Well management starts getting annoyed with them requesting channel changes when obviously they were busy sending lots of food out of the kitchen. The management changes the tv for the last time and I walk over to one of my many other tables. Before I have a chance to say anything they request that a tv near them be changed to a game that was turned off when Hitler took over their tv. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you see how many times I've typed tv in this blog? YOU ARE AT A RESTAURANT NOT A SPORTS PUB! Finish eating your food and go home to watch your basketball game! I get so sick of this day in and day out. SO of course when I go to management with yet another television request they flat out refuse to change the tv and my last table was fucking pissed at who else? Me. When I open my restaurant that is made entirely of tables and no booths I am also going to have one tv...either playing cartoons, oxygen, or MTV. Instead of calling my restaurant "Antibooth" it will be "Antibooth and sports."

Here is another thing I hated about last night. I absolutely loathe it when eight twenty somethings crowd around a booth for four and get obnoxiously drunk. I had this one guy last night that thought he was so drunk and funny. Every time I walked over to this table it was (in a stupid ass drunk voice) "Excuse me miss can I ask you a question..." followed by something really stupid. For example, "Excuse me miss, can I order some chicken tenders."
"Oh, I'm really sorry but the kitchen closed at ten, would you like to order a pizza instead?"
"No that's okay, do you have any chickens back there I could fuck?"
Like I've said before, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Who the hell says that kind of stupid crap to anyone, let alone a stranger that happens to be bringing them beer? Followed by a chorus of his stupid drunk friends asking if we have live chickens in the restaurant.

On a lighter note, last night I got inspired by my coworker to write about something I find funny. When you work at a restaurant you're there so often that you know you coworkers well enough to distinguish their real laughs from their fake ones. I find it so funny when I walk through the dining room and hear fake laugh after fake laugh coming from my friends at their tables. What your diners don't know is that you are NOT very funny. Sometimes you get a table that says something genuinely funny but for the most part people....we're faking it. We are kissing your ass and laughing at your shitty jokes for a good tip. A good fake laugh is just as important as a fake smile because we want you to think we like you, so you'll think you like us and give us some of your money.

I have also been thinking about making a special blog once a month or something where I write this blog from a consumer point of view with a server bias ;) I was thinking that once a month I'll write about a dining experience and grade my server. I feel that for us to Save the Servers we need to realize that we aren't perfect either. Who reading this blog has never forgotten about their table for 20 minutes? Who here has never gotten a great tip that deep down we know we didn't deserve? We make mistakes too. For example I was eating at a restaurant once with my family and 30 minutes after we got our food we still hadn't seen our server again. Finally he comes back with some bullshit story about a table of women taking forever to order. Oh really...those bitches took 30 minutes to order? He was also reeking of a cigarette smell he didn't have the first couple of times I'd seen him. I work in a restaurant to motherfucker, don't bullshit me. I also want to talk about restaurants like San Jose. Believe it or not, you will never get better service than at a Mexican joint. You literally have a server who seats you and takes your drink and cheese dip order, a person to bring you chips, a server to take your actual dinner order and someone who brings your food out. And even if you only have one server he has the speed and agility of Speedy Gonzalez. Your tab is $30 and you never sit around needing anything the entire time your there. Its frustrates me that diners go into a Mexican restaurant with the notion that the tipping scale is different there than another restaurant.

Thanks for reading and I'll have another one up for you in about four days :)

Lesson Five

Saturday night was a very busy night this weekend. I waited on 23 tables...and more than half of them was the most annoying table I'd ever had :) When waiting tables I always try to reserve my judgment (keyword try) so that even if they are redneck, black, old, young, weird, annoying, rude or ugly I don't feel like a bitch if after all my shit talking they leave me a good tip. Case in point....the most redneck table ever came in on Saturday night. I'm telling you, these people probably drank a Natty light on the way to the "Abyss" aka Restaurant X. They sit down and this man is 30 seconds from all of his teeth falling out. They were very needy...every time I brought them something they asked for there was a "I should've asked you for this a minute ago but...." Of course I kept the fake smile locked on my face at all times and at the end of their dinner the couple left me $20 on $60. I was fucking FLABBERGASTED!! Flabbergasted enough to use that word. THANK GOD I WAS SO NICE. Out of the 23 tables I had on Saturday this was one of the only tables I had that left me a great tip...and sadly also one of the only tables who tipped me above 15%. Later on I had a table of yuppies. When they sat down the woman ordered a filet and of course I'm think cha ching. The kitchen was slammed and it probably took 10 minutes after I put in the order for their salads to come out. I apologized and the man says, "Its taking so long I thought you were growing the lettuce," to which I replied, "Oh yes sir...I actually just pulled the lettuce out of the ground myself...you'll love how fresh it is (insert fake ass smile)." Seriously dick head? It only took ten fucking minutes and it's Saturday night. We are on an hour and a half wait...what did you expect? Then later on while I had four tables on this busy night I ask a table if they are ready to order. They say they are definitely ready because they are so hungry and then they sit there and look at the menu for another 70 seconds deciding what they want while I stand there looking like a total loser. The answer rude man was, "No, I'm still deciding can I have a couple more minutes." And aggravating still after standing there for thirty seconds while he is looking at his menu making weird noises I say "Sir would you like me to give you a minute." You know because I am busy and have other tables that need things. The guys says no, stares at his menu for another 40 seconds and then places his order, making me name all the side items, dressings and toppings on the salad. Wow, for as long as you stared at the menu I thought you would have it memorized by now. Then when I move on to his wife she also asks me to repeat the side items, the dressings and the toppings on the salad. Seriously, I hate you people. Read your menu, listen when other people ask questions and be considerate of the people around you. And then the table that really pissed me off...a four top of redneck looking motherfuckers sits down. Immediately I knew that these crackers weren't going to leave me shit. I know, I know...I judged them! "Hi, how are ya'll doing today? My name is Rachel and I'll be taking care of you...can I start you with something to drink? (smile)"
"What if we want appetizers?"
What if you give me a fucking second to take your drink order and then I'll ask you if you would like an appetizer. Three sweet teas and a coke...a chicken and bacon quesadilla with the scallions on the side (and of course ranch), an order of fried onions, and a bowl of potato soup. Seriously...not to toot my own horn...but I'm a great fucking server. TOOT TOOT! I take the people their drinks (holding all four in my hands) and the second I set a drink down the guy asks for a straw. DO YOU NOT SEE THAT I HAVE MY HANDS FULL? I really really really hate it when people do that. And it happens all the time. Should I start carrying straws in my mouth when my hands are full so I can just drop them on the table? Is it just me who was born with only two hands...am I lacking that third arm that customers seem to think I should have? Once I get all the drinks and straws on the table I hear SLUUUURRRP coming from both sides and both the guys sitting there had finished their entire sweet teas. "Can we get some refills?" Are you fucking kidding me? How old are you that you can't slow your roll and not chug your drink? Were you raised in a barn or do you like not having any table manners? It's a busy night...I have been double sat since I got your drinks and your pulling this shit on me? Being double sat for you non-servers is when you have two tables sit down at the exact same time. You have to great them one after the other, get their drinks at the same time, and take their dinner orders at the same time. Basically, these two tables are going to be at the same pace the entire night which is not a big deal unless you have a bunch of jerks giving you a hard time. When I come back to the table with their refills they have a basket of croissants on their table. Since they didn't order them through me I knew that that must know someone who works with me. When I go to the back "Skipper" tells me that he knows the table and they are going to leave me a fat tip. Feeling like a judgmental bitch I make sure that their cups runneth over with sweet tea for the rest of their dinner. I'm not exaggerating when I say they had at least six sweet teas each. AND WHAT DO THESE CHEAP DICKHEADS DO? Their combined tab was $120 and the douchebags leave me $12 all together. That tip was so fucking fat that I think I am going to quit my job and work on my blog full time. I'm telling you Saturday night was one bad tip after the other. With my $1,100 sales I ended up with $140 dollars after my thirty dollar tip out. Tip out for those of you who don't wait is three percent of my total sales that I have to pay the restaurant at the end of the night. That money is used to pay the hosts and the bartenders. I would never complain about making more than a hundred dollars...except for today. With all the bullshit I dealt with leaving with less than fifteen percent sucked.

This blog is getting really long today so I am going to speak my peace about my hosting shift today and post this for all the world too read. One day I am going to build a restaurant with absolutely no booths and I am going to call it "Anti-Booth." Seriously, I'm fucking sick of it! I hate it when people say, "I hate to ask you this but..." can you get a fucking booth? Or would you mind cleaning that booth I'd rather sit there. Or, you can put me on a wait for a booth. I also hate it when I have just finished washing the glass on the front door and someone WHO JUST SAW ME WIPING IT DOWN opens the door by putting their greasy hands all over it. Thanks dickhead...I'm so glad that I am going to have to clean that window again. Obviously this person doesn't live in a glass house. OBVIOUSLY THIS PERSON LIVES IN A BARN! But today justice was served my friends. Remember the blog I wrote about the annoying children who run around the restaurant like it's Candy Land? Today when this family was finished eating and heading out of the restaurant a little girl was running full steam ahead when she ran right into my perfectly-clean-they-look-non-existent windows and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Bet that little girl never runs through a restaurant again...and hopefully she'll tell all her wittle friends :)

And to all my fellow coworkers...DING DONG THE WITCH IS GONE...WHICH OLD WITCH? THE BEAUTY QUEEN BITCH :)

Valentines Day

After an exhausting Valentines Day weekend I have had many experiences to share with you diners. What is it about holidays that make people go crazy? This weekend I saw the craziest event I have ever seen in a restaurant. Here's the play-by-play: A family of 5 sitting at a round table. Three adults and two children. During dinner one of the children slapped the other kid at the table which started an argument between two of the adults at the table. Knives were shed and threats of "I'll cut you!" were echoing off the walls. Servers and diners sat staring with mouths wide open while management calmly diffused the situation. A few minutes later the man from the argument came back into the restaurant to get his box and jacket and the woman from the table started shouting again. The server told them that they were in a restaurant and they needed to stop making a scene...at which point the guy threatened to stab the server in the heart. Isn't that romantic? Seriously people, wtf. Again, there is stunned silence in the restaurant. Then BAM, here's the new boss...I'll call him Charles (and if you know him you'll get the reference ;) and if not...sucks for you) carrying a metal ice paddle asking who has a knife in his restaurant. Then of course the woman from the argument interprets the threat and starts her own freak show. Two males servers and two managers try to block the woman as she attempts to attack Charles while he is locking the front door so they can't get out until the police get there (fire hazard). All the while the words "I'll cut you!" continue to reverberate through the room. Way to keep it classy for the rest of the diners trying to impress their loved one on Valentines Day....dinner and domestic violence!

The Saturday night before Valentines Day was also extremely busy. I had two tables and two little booths so fortunately I had a versatile section and had two big parties that night. My first party did many things that will be good mini lessons for you non-servers. When I get to this old woman to take her drink order she says she wants a "sweet wine"...wine is an acquired taste so what is sweet to me isn't going to be the same for everyone. When I started giving her what little information I had on sweet wines it seemed to me she had never tasted any kind of wine before! I end up taking her a sample of pinot grigio which she hated. And then she wanted to sample three different kinds of mixed drinks. THIS IS NOT BASKIN ROBBINS TASTE ALL 32 FLAVORS! Towards to end of running my ass off for these people they asked to talk to a manager and got four of their dinners deleted from the bill because they didn't like them. And then they took the leftovers home in a box. I hate that. Oh, you hated your dinner so much you have to take it home with you? Customers get pissed when you tell them that since they don't have to pay for their food they can't take it home. I don't understand why you should get to take home food you didn't pay for to begin with...and if you hated it why are you causing a scene that you can't leave with it. My last party was a group of 11 women and after I handed out the checks I realized that I had forgotten to put gratuity on the party. Luckily my serving skills are off the chain and they hooked me up in the end!

And now it is time for me to talk about the desperate measures people go to get a free meal. Monday night I had a table of three 30 something black people. They were rude from the moment they sat down. Play-by-play: "Hi how are you? My name..."
"Get me a Budlight." What an asshole. But I'm used to people cutting me off so I say "Sure one moment," take the other drink orders and bring them back. When I get back over the dickhead in seat one says, "Why haven't you told us your name?" Well jerk, you interrupted me. I could tell this table was trying to piss me off so I would be rude and then they would have a genuine complaint...but please....I'm a server. I deal with rude people ALL day. I then go over to take their dinner order and it was like pulling teeth. The guy orders chicken alfredo with extra mushrooms and broccoli. "I want a house salad with that."
"Okay sir, would you like house dressing?"
"What is it?"
"Its honey mustard and hot bacon."
"Oh hell no I do not eat pork."
"Okay no problem, I'll take the pork out of your salad, what kinda of dressing would you like?"
I seriously asked this man three times what kind of dressing he would like before he yells that obviously, he wants his salad dry. Then I get to the girl at the table and she orders wings. Maybe I had fallen mute while taking this order because I also had to ask this bitch three times how she would like her wings before she screamed that she wanted them hot. Maybe I should start bringing my crystal ball with me to work so I already know what these people order. Later on they demand to talk to my manager. When Charles gets out to the table they told him that it was obvious that I didn't like black people. I was nothing more than sickeningly sweet to these motherfuckers. If this jerk got the impression that I didn't like him it was because he and his friends were a bunch of assholes. How dare anyone call me a racist. The only person being rude at that table was him and since he was rude before I even told him my name I will also pull the race card and say that I believe he was the racist.
And Beauty Queen (all you coworkers know who I'm talking about!) sucks, lets make her quit.
Can't say I'm not glad that Valentines Day is over!

Lesson Four

Sorry it took so long for me to get this out but damn, what is with this week....seriously. I was sick all last week and have no money and now this week has been full of Mondays. But that's just the life of a server sometimes.
Table One: Two ladies sitting there before I walk in the door....great job hostess...thanks. They were super nice...I pretended to be interested in their silver napkin rings. This is just so weird I have to talk about it. She had 7 sterling silver napkin rings and proceeded to allow me to touch all of them while she told me what was engraved on them and what year they were from. I said, "These are so nice, are they a family heirloom?" and she says, "They are now." Who the hell goes and buys mismatched silver napkin rings with random inscriptions on them and brings them to a restaurant to show their friend? Do you non servers see the weird shit that we deal with? $6.
Table Two: Two other old ladies sit down and have coffee and a diet coke. This lady drinking coffee had the worst smelling breath ever. When she ordered coffee I felt so bad for her friend. I can't describe how seriously rank this bitches breath was...needless to say I could smell it every time I walked past the table. I didn't charge them for their drinks since that is all they had for the whole 2 hours they sat there...and I just wanted to avoid having any more conversations with this ranky ass breath biatch. $5
Table Three: A couple of regulars. Not regularly good tippers though. However; I was amazed at how fast this lady inhaled her salad. $3
Table Four: A middle aged couple comes in, he gets a blackened tuna sandwich and a Budweiser and she gets a side of vegetables with no butter and a water. We conversated about how she didn't know we put butter on our vegetables (wtf did you think all that yellow shit your vegetables were floating in was?)and all this time she thought she was eating healthy. I laughed and told her of my obsession with butter and how I prefer to put butter on top of my biscuits like icing and not in the middle. $10
Table Five: The only highlight of my week was tonight when a couple of friends came into eat. They eventually made it over to my section in the bar and were celebrating my friend Heather's birthday...a few days early. They made such a boring night fly by and left me very nice tips. Thank God for good friends!

So now it's time for today's lesson. One really annoying thing that patrons do on the daily is make reservations for large parties when they aren't aware of how many people are coming. When a large party is coming in, the server who will be waiting on them stops getting sat an hour before they arrive so that the table will be ready for them when they get there. Mostly it is the younger crowd or black people who make a reservation for 30 people and in the end roughly half (if the server is lucky) shows up. Then these large parties sprawl out and take up four tables when they could really have fit at two or three thus filling up the servers entire section when they don't need too. This server hasn't been sat/hasn't been making ANY MONEY for over an hour and now you are taking up one more table you don't need that is further preventing this server from making anything. YOU ARE A BUNCH OF SELFISH DOUCHEBAGS! So for the sanity of the server's a hostess won't seat a party until at least half the guests arrive and then they have to listen to the party bitch about it. Well I'm fucking sorry but if YOUR friends would have been here on time then you wouldn't be waiting. One time I had a party of 20 coming in at 8:00...black teenagers. When the first three people arrived I foolishly allowed them to sit down and went ahead and got their drinks. I shit you not, an hour later they were still the ONLY people there. And an hour and a half later this bitch had the nerve to ask me for her check, pre-gratuity. I said I'm sorry but I personally pulled all these tables together, you made a reservation for 20 and it's not my fault your friends didn't show up for your birthday, the gratuity stays. What I wanted to say was, "Sorry bitch fuck you." I mean seriously, complaining about gratuity on her tab when it was literally a dollar fifty? And then at 9:45, 17 more people showed up....and had the nerve to be pissed that they were rushed into ordering by ten (closing time) and stayed until 11. Another example....a couple of weeks ago a reservation was made by the proprietor (basically the owner of a restaurant) of Outback Steakhouse on Two Notch road for a party of 20 (also black). They talked the owner of my restaurant into giving them four free appetizers when they got there. Because I used to work at Outback the owner thought it would be beneficial for me to have this party. At 7:30...30 minutes past the time they said they would arrive none of them were there. So when I call this lady she says, "Yeah we are running a little late,"....YEAH NO FUCKING SHIT! I thought because these people worked in the industry they would be easy to wait on...and then they pull some shit like this. Well they show up and once ten of them arrive they get sat. AND NO ONE ELSE SHOWS UP! And to top it all off what does this birthday party of 20....I mean 10 order? 6 APPETIZERS AFTER THE OWNER SAID HE WOULD GIVE THEM 4! And they drank mixed drinks from the bar and the youngins' drank Shirley Temples....with cherries of course. And not a single one of them tipped over gratuity. So I had two tables that night when I first walked in and my section was blocked off until this party gets there (late with half the people they said) and they stayed until WELL after closing time. People please don't do this to us!!
Going to work at 4....it's a Saturday night before Valentines day so hopefully we will be busy and I will have many more stories to tell!! SAVE THE SERVERS!

Lesson Three

What a day! Today is a day that definitely needs to be talked about on a servers blog. It was an emotional one for every one of us at the old sweat shop. But Lesson Three is more important to the world than a shitty day at work.

So every Sunday for the most part I like to be scheduled a hosting shift. A little downtime from that of the annoyance that can be waiting tables. There are many server blogs in this world but it occurred to me that I have never read a Hostess blog. As a consumer you need to know that your horrible dining manners don't start when you get to the table. First things first, like God, we hosts have a plan for all of you. One of the most annoying things a person does when they walk in the door is stand there and ignore us. I've said hi to you and your looking at me like I'm an alien. How many are in your party? And then you say something stupid like "Um, honey how many of us are there going to be?" Wow, good question. When I go out to eat I normally have no clue exactly who I'll be dining with, either. And here is come the part I hate, "I don't know tell her 6 or 10." Six or ten? Seriously, if you don't know how many people are coming then you are not ready to be sat; don't talk to me until you do. A lot of you are probably asking what's wrong with that. The difference in a 6 top, an 8 top, a 10 top or any of the numbers in between is huge. Its the difference in a booth, a round table, and a cluster of tables I have to pull together. Not to mention planning for all the people who might come in after you, other people on a wait, and the server themselves. With that said don't purposely say you have more people in your party than you do so you can take up more room or invite people to come and go as you eat. This is not a room that you have rented out and can post up for 3 hours. Servers in these sections get fucked by you people DAILY! SERVERS GET PAID BY TABLES....WE MAKE $2.13 AN HOUR! If you want to post up in a servers section then be prepared to tip them at LEAST $10 per table you take up every extra hour you are there, because that's how much you are hindering them making. And then there are you booth people...all 400 million of you. DO ALL OF YOU HAVE BOOTHS IN YOUR HOMES? DOES THE FOOD TASTE BETTER? Yeah yeah sure, I get it....they are just so much more comfortable and if you are going to pay good money for dinner you want to be comfortable...blah blah blah. If sitting in a booth is that damn important than tell the hostess you prefer a booth when you walk in to the restaurant and before we walk you all the way across it. When you come in the restaurant with your kids and say there will be four and a "half" of you that is just plain obnoxious. Oh really, there is half a human over there? Wow amazing! Do they have half a brain and half a soul? Oh wait....that's an annoying little monster who is going to drink all those fucking sodas...in that case they should count as two but since I am a mature adult having a conversation with another mature adult, there is 5 of you. When I am putting your menus and silverware on your table PLEASE respect my space and wait until I am finished and out of the way before you sit down. No one wants some stranger crowding them...but to the people who point guarded the shit out of me today I was sick as hell all week and for your sake I hope I'm still contagious. When someone is saying something loud enough you don't have to be part of the conversation to hear them. A lot of times when business is slow two hosts will discuss with one another where someone will be sat...if you hear us speak of seating you near the bar and you don't want to be sat there speak up so we can accommodate you. If you don't want to interrupt or be rude, as soon as you see us gesturing you near the bar SPEAK UP. Don't wait until I have taken you all the way to the table to say snootily to me, "This is unacceptable seating for me. I don't want to be near the BAR." When you come into a restaurant don't start off on the wrong foot, announce your seating preferences from the beginning and don't be a dick.

Like I said earlier today was an emotional one for those of us who work at Restaurant X ( I need to come up with a funny and not obvious alias.) Unfortunately another financial injustice we servers have to worry about other than being stiffed by a table is the stealing of our hours by the management we should be able to trust. Today the owner of Restaurant X, a man that I truly respected and adored betrayed me...he betrayed all of us. For those of you who don't work in a restaurant, the minimum wage/only wage (who would pay us more than that when they don't have to) is $2.13 an hour. Most of the time we servers do not get and actual paycheck and when we do its never more than $10 for a 50 hour pay period. The reason behind that is at the end of the night we claim our credit card and cash tips so the IRS can tax our tips and take the money out of our hourly income. When a manager steals hours from a server the IRS can't collect the funds necessary to pay our income tax and at the end of the year the server ends up owing money. And at Restaurant X it seems that most people are owing money this year, and as high up as $1,500. And the reason our wonderful trusted O/O has been taking this money from us when he already makes more than anyone of us can imagine....so that he can keep his labor down therefore earning himself end of quarter bonuses. A sad tale. One that conflicts my heart...being sad at the lose of a man I once adored and being angry at a man for stealing money from me and all of my friends. Once upon a time I would never have imagined it possible for him to be the same guy. AND SO I ASK!!! WHO IS GOING TO SAVE THE SERVERS?!?!?!?!


I guess its up to me ;)

Lesson Two

So with this blog I had planned to write every night when I got off of work...but I've been sick for the past three days and I'm tired of waiting around!! So today I am going to write Lesson 2...which is my opinion on why your kids suck. As many of you have heard thousands of times when a server is putting a plate on your table we say, "Please be careful this plate is hot." We say that because the plate is fucking hot and we want to put it down as soon as possible. So when your little bad ass kids are running around the restaurant (which yes...to all you shocked parents who say they would never let their kids do that....people do...all the time) keep in mind that I have an extremely hot plate...in my BARE hands and I'm trying not to burn your little monster. PUT YOUR KID ON A LEASH! THIS IS NOT MCDONALDS AND WE DON'T HAVE A PLAY PLACE! THIS IS A NICE RESTAURANT AND PEOPLE ARE WORKING! CONTROL YOUR FREAKING CHILDREN! I can not stress enough how much I hate your kids. I especially love it when parents allow their children to chug their soft drinks and demand another so they can also chug that one...followed by another and another. To the parents out there who allow their children to order Shirley Temples (grenadine and sprite), when your brat orders one I am going to pour so much grenadine in that fucking sprite that when you get home your kid won't sleep for years. With every refill I am going to add more and more. The part that's annoying to me is that the more syrupy it is the more the brats love it. Another large annoyance that you bestow upon your temporary slave (me...the server) is when you let your kids place their own dinner order. Most of the time it goes like this, "Alright little Thomas tell the lady what you want for dinner."
"Uhhhhhhhhhh I want chicken fingers and grilled cheese!"
"I'm sorry son you can only have one."
"Waaaaaaaaa! I want both."
"No, just pick one Thomas."
"BUT I WANT BOTH!!!"
And the tantrum continues while I stand there wasting my time but trying to act like I don't mind so you don't think I'm being a bitch and leave me a bad tip. It's pretty fucking annoying isn't it? And then after an hour of being annoyed to death you and that little jerk get out and I have to call in a Hazmat squad to clean up after them. I mean seriously, I knew your child was a pain in the ass but I didn't know he was actually Hurricane Hugo. Of course it is always good policy as a server to clean up the mess before you look in the checkbook to see what they left you. Family of seven, five kids whose meals cost 4.99 (with a drink!) and the bill is 40 dollars and you left me 5. Now I am not the kind of person to get upset about 5 on 40...but for all that work if you think that's all I deserve then how about you go to Hell. So parents please, teach your kids some fucking manners and soon because if you don't then 30 years from now these big whiny babies will still be living in your basement.

I will leave you with a funny and true story about a riot a little pain in the ass child started in the restaurant where I work. A little child with a party of 6 black women is sitting in a booth which is back to back with a booth of 6 old hags. This little brat keeps trying to jump over to the other side where the old women are sitting and the kids mother is doing nothing about it. Finally one of the old ladies who has been trying to eat her meal without disturbance simply takes the kids hands off of her booth so he will stop attempting to jump over. And that's when shit got real. The mother of the child freaks out telling the old lady not to touch her child or she will shank her...you can't make this shit up people. The old lady doesn't back down and eventually police had to be called...the old lady ends up cutting the black lady. A real battle royal! The kitchen manager ends up dragging the black woman out of the restaurant and the server (who had both tables) ends up getting stiffed by both. Wow...glad those ladies cleared up who the real instigator of that fight was....the server!!! That bitch that refilled their drinks, took their orders, kissed their ass, got their margaritas, made annoying small talk, pretended they thought the little kid was cute. They really showed that server. I think that in my next blog I'm going to talk about........people who make reservations for a large party...and only 5 people show up!!! Thanks for reading :)

Lesson One

Table One of the night: Fortunately they are a couple that comes in every Monday and eats the same thing. Two draft Ultras and after you give them time to chill they order Chicken BBQ Nachos with lite cheese. They are always generous.
Table Two: A young couple walks in and while running my mouth I didn't notice them until they had already been sitting there a minute. I could imagine them being pissed about waiting for a server to greet them while I stood two feet away from them talking my ass off. I made up for it by being really nice and describing some of the great food on our new menu...you should have heard me I was really "enthusiastic." They ended up leaving me a decent tip.
Table Three: A table of my friends.
I left with $20 after I tipped out. Now I want to go off on a side note but we'll come back to this other thought. Some of you who don't serve wouldn't know that by the end of the night we have to pay the restaurant 3% of our sales. So say you come in to eat and leave me 5 on 50...which happens way more than it should...I would technically not be getting more than three dollars for the pleasure of waiting on your needy ass. Now imagine stiffing a server....we had to pay to wait on some dickhead who ended up stiffing us.
Now back to my other thought. Tonight is one of those nights that we have to pay the piper and stay there all night and not make shit. We're servers...we do it with a smile...until we get around that corner and you can't see us ;)
In this next portion of my blog I just want the consumer of America to understand that servers don't discriminate we hate everyone. Well not everyone; but to the rednecks, the black people and the old people. Wow y'all know how to make or break a night...financially or emotionally! Now geezers are old school and a lot has changed since their heyday. A five percent tip was generous back in the day and they pretend not to know the standard has changed since then...lol. One of the things that I miss about waiting tables in Clemson was that there were a lot more rednecks. Columbia is a melting pot of bad tippers. 98% of rednecks and black people don't tip because they are cheap. And to top off my frustration every time a black person walks into the restaurant and I hope he doesn't go to my table that makes me rascist. I don't hate you because of the color of your skin or because you like Natty Light and Nascar...I hate you because you are rude. Rednecks and black people act the same when they go out to eat. They have already spent $30 on a meal for two and they are cheap (or broke) so fuck the girl/guy in front of me. And yeah I'm going to bring all twelve of my little children that are going to terrorize this table and all of the people around me. By the time you leave your pet beast has just wasted all of the annoying little sugar packets that I am going to have to refill but you also have just given me extra work...and you left me a fucking dollar. JUST KEEP THAT DAMN DOLLAR. Because you don't need to add insult to injury. NOW to be fair I will say that every now and again you get a redneck or a black person that leaves you greatly surprised. And that is why when any of you walk into this restaurant I will give you the best service to my ability and I will smile and talk about movies with you...and after you throw in a movie with Denzel I'll shoot back with one about Will Smith. Or after you say your favorite driver is Jeff Gordon, I'll talk about Little E. Tune in next week...its time to talk about why we don't think your kids are cute.

The Introduction

Today while riding in the car with my boyfriend he and I got into a large debate about servers...what they make, what they think they deserve and where the line on tipping should be drawn. It made me realize that in my occupational guild we are misunderstood my friends!!People who don't wait tables simply don't understand what it's like to hold your tongue while being aggravated beyond our breaking point! And that my friends is why I have decided to make the most popular server blog in the world!!! Now it may not be popular today....or tomorrow but someday someone will stumble upon this piece of blog gold and then they will go out to eat and leave their server a tip they deserve!...and I don't mean a note on their check that says so and so is the best server I ever had and since I've only left them a dollar I'm writing this....because we all know that compliments don't pay bills...or buy us beer. Obviously I am a server...but for the sake of my job (which I would like to keep) I will not be announcing where I work and the names of people I work with will be changed (to something that I think is funny)...but believe me every night when I get off of work I will log on and talk shit about every person that sat down at my table. However this blog won't all be negative because believe it or not...some people who come out to eat are not pieces of shit...and we need to hear those stories too. Stay tuned...I'm working at five and then the madness will be begin.