The Annoying, The Disgusting, The Obnoxious, The Aggravating, and the Downright Trashy

Hi friends, I know it has been a while since my last update but don't worry I have been taking many notes to blog about in my absence. I have been working a lot recently at Sub Hell and Restaurant X and the main thing that has been bothering me at both this week is the issue of cell phone usage. GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND PLACE YOUR ORDER. I hate it when I walk up to a table and someone is on the phone. It isn't so much the complete lack of respect that they are showing me by not hanging up it's the fact that they ignore my presence until I have asked them a thousand times what they want to drink. It takes two seconds to place your drink order and you can easily ask your friend to hold on a second while you tell me what you'd like. Once upon a time on a busy Saturday night back when I was working at Outback Hellhouse I approached a table with a woman on her cell phone...I looked at her husband and said, "Hi my name is Rachel, can I start you with something to drink tonight?" follow by a SLAP!! This bitch actually hit me. "Can you not see that I am on the phone?!" Shocked at what just happened I walked away from the table and returned twenty minutes after she got off the phone. Thinking back that bitch is lucky I didn't slap the black off her ass...who hits a fucking stranger? She had no clue whether I'm an ex-con who went to jail for beating up old women...and she's lucky I'm not. At Sub Hell when someone orders their food we make it and then yell there name and bring it too them. I cannot even count the many times I have yelled someones name four hundred times for them to rudely raise the hand not holding the cell phone to their ear. I can't imagine the number of people who have grabbed the wrong order (which I had to remake) and left because they didn't want to get off of their phone for five minutes. That is why I will label you people the annoying.

This next section is a short one...the disgusting. For some reason this always seems to happen to the elderly and it is a little something I call salad mouth. I hate it when a 70 year old person is eating a salad and they have dressing all over their mouth and lettuce hanging from their face and they sit there and talk to you like they don't know a head of iceberg lettuce is growing out of their face. It really grosses me out. Use that napkin in your lap and wipe your mouth like a big kid, thanks.

Something really obnoxious that diners do is when I am taking their order (which may or may not be "complicated") and they explain how they want their food a thousand times. If you want you steak butterflied medium plus with no seasoning, a salad with all the toppings on the side with two different dressing and a baked potato with nothing but ranch I can guarantee you that I will make that happen. The first thing I want to talk about here is the matter of "medium plus"...no one (including you) knows what the fuck that means. I am going to send the temperature in as medium and your going to think it is perfect. There are already 5 different temperatures you can get your steak cooked...lets leave it at that. The second annoying part is your order isn't that complicated and even if it was I am writing all of this down...just because I wait tables doesn't mean I'm stupid...in my case it just means I'm too lazy to go back to school. I hate it when someone is explaining their order (for the millionth time) and they are asking for shit that comes standard with their entree. "Yes I'd like my chicken tenders fried, my fries seasoned, and my salad in a bowl." Thanks, I'll see if I can manage that.

Here is one I have been wanting to blog about for a while...the aggravating. At least once a night when I ask a table how they'd like to split their check I have to listen to them argue forever over who is going to pay for it. "Excuse me miss, bring me the check."
"No, bring it to me please."
"No, I said bring it to me he's a bad tipper."
"Believe me I am a much better tipper than he is...I want to pay for it."
WHAT THE FUCK? You are an asshole for putting me in this awkward situation. What would you do if someone at your job was doing that to you??? Most of the time the rule is whomever asks for the check first gets it...my rule is whoever looks like a better tipper gets the check. Unfortunately it is hard to tell who is the better tipper if they look like nice people or who the least shitty tipper if they don't. The worst outcome is when someone is just saying they want the bill hoping you will give it to their friend but leave you a horrible tip when you don't. Here is a little advice from someone with somewhat limited life experience...if someone is being gracious enough to buy your meal be gracious enough to accept. Oh...and I hate you.

And now to the downright trashy. The other day one of my coworkers and I were splitting a forty top on the patio. While waiting to be sat the crowd is heard saying, "Damn....who eva gets our table is gonna get hooked the fuck up." It was a going away party for a woman and sadly enough her pathetic ass was throwing it for herself. Pretty much everyone drank water and ate sandwiches and salads. After passing out the checks and collecting all the money it was clear that not a single one of them "hooked us up" at all. NOT A DAMN PERSON EVEN LEFT ONE EXTRA DOLLAR FOR MY COWORKER AND I TOO SPLIT! The reason that you are the downright trashy is because you are a phony ass broke bitch. Don't brag about hooking up your server if you can barely afford to buy your meal. I have been tricked many times into almost obsessive perfection at a table because of your big tipper bullshit. Put your money where your mouth is.

And one last rant before I post...what is with old ass motherfuckers who work in the kitchen thinking that just because their pathetic asses have been working prep for three years they have the right to tell anyone what to do. At Restaurant X there is this dickhead that I will call Toby (HA!) that thinks he owns the place. Always asking what are you doing...why are you doing that...you better clean that up. You know what?? BOY YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN AND MAKE A TWISTY CHICKEN RORO BEFORE YOUR OLD ASS TURNS TO DUST! The day you make more money than me is the day you can tell me what to do...THANKS!! The nerve of any kitchen guy to question what the hell I'm doing really pisses me off. If I fuck something up it isn't going to affect your hourly wage but if you fuck up my food I'm going to get a shitty tip. Get off your high horse and make me a fucking salad.

Lesson 8

Hello my dear friends...it is that time again for another blog. Just now I realized that I haven't really gone into what goes on when a restaurant gets busy. Sure I've told stories where I have been annoyed while busy but I have never given a run down on what it is like to be completely behind or as we say in the biz...in the weeds. I have been working cocktail a lot lately and in some ways it is much different than working the floor. Cocktail is always first come first serve where-as being on the floor is on a rotated (by empty tables of course) list. On a busy night most people crowd around the bar while they wait for their buzzer to go off but when they see a table around the bar get up they are quick to rush to it even though it is still dirty. And they expect immediate service. Restaurant X is one of the few restaurants that I have worked at that doesn't have three or four bus boys running around cleaning tables...we have one. When we work on the floor for the most part we buss our own and when working in cocktail we 100% of the time clean our own tables. So this leads me to one of my first pet peeves...you see me running around being busy as fuck...why must you continue to stand not only in my way but you are standing in a large group. If the restaurant were a cholesterol ridden heart valve you would be the blood clot to kill us all. Seriously, I have walked through the middle of your group announcing "I'm sorry! Excuse me! Sorry...excuse me" a thousand times and you continue to say "No, don't be sorry it's our fault for being in your way." If that's the way you truly feel then MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! I mean really...why are you going to group by the end of the bar that is OBVIOUSLY where the servers go to get their drinks...that end of the bar is called the service well...it is distinguishable by the black mats and row of white tickets. DON'T STAND THERE...you are in our way. Annoyance number 2...I hate it when I walk up to great a table in cocktail and I say, "Hi, how are you? My name is Rachel! How many people are in your party so I can go grab you silverware and menus and what can I get you to drink?"
And they say, "Oh, I'm just sitting here while I wait for my buzzer to go off."
And then I say, "Actually this is first come first serve over here...I'll be your server."
"No, I'll just wait, thanks anyway."
Actually bitch, no you won't. If you don't want to eat here (which why wouldn't you?) then get the fuck outta here, thanks. Someone else would more than appreciate this table and be willing to tip me. Annoyance number three...I hate it when someone's spouse tries to order for them and then they argue about it. Yes ma'am...I've already taken your order...now it is your husbands turn so shut the hell up. Half the time they interrupt their spouse while they are answering one of my many dinner questions with the opposite answer I end up writing down. You are really wasting my time...I am to busy to verify his order through you and him...so play the quiet game and let the big kids talk. One more serving annoyance for tonight and I will move on to making subs. Number 5...for the last time...when I say that this plate is hot please let me put it down for you don't argue and say you can handle it and reach for the plate. I wouldn't tell you it was hot if it wasn't and I know the minute you grab it your going to let go and I also know how heavy these plates are. Regardless of whether you grab it or not I am still going to hold on to it as we set it down together so I don't get bitched at by my boss when you drop the plate, flip the food on your lap and I have to walk to the kitchen to get it remade for you. Just let me put your food down...this isn't a macho thing.

OK so lets talk about subs. Since the Sub Club is across the street from a large hospital we get busy around 11:30 and it normally stays that way until about one. Today we were so busy we had a line outside the door all the while we had tickets strewn across the board. Being the sub shop across the street we definitely have our share of regulars at the Sub Club and I absolutely loathe it when my boss starts talking to one of them and not paying attention to his job. AND HE'S MY BOSS. Don't get me wrong...I love the guy but seriously "November" we are way to busy for you to be shooting the shit with a stranger we happen to make food for everyday. And then there are the people who come up to the line and start asking us things about their subs. "Can I get extra mayo? My name is Brett. Can I get hot peppers? My name is Fuckface. Can I get a large instead? Can I change my sub? Have you already made mine...I want it cold now? Can I get a side of honey mustard? Can I have a fork? Can I get salt and pepper? Just wanted to let you know the bathroom is dirty. I just saw someone change a diaper on a table. Is my food coming up?" CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM BUSY AND FOCUSED AND YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR THAT SHIT EARLIER? How about instead of ruining my focus you look by the soda station for the shit your asking for? Or when someone calls in an order for 10 subs in the middle of lunch and gets pissy when we say its going to be 20-25 minutes. I'm sorry that you and all your friends want to eat subs at the exact same time as the rest of the hospital...but you should know that we are going to be busy. I hate it when I have a sub to deliver to someone in the dining room and I call there name and they raise their hand and I tell them what I have in my hand, they say it is there's and then two minutes later I have two people looking at me...one saying they have been waiting forever for their food and the other saying we didn't give him the right sub. Hey dickmouth...when I said the name Beth and you raised your hand and I asked you again if you were Beth and told you what the sub was you should have known then that it wasn't your food. Now I have to remake this sub while making all this other food because you are an idiot...sit the fuck down and raise your hand when YOUR name is called.

Please non-service workers, read this blog and hear my plea...don't be a fool and together we can save the servers.

High Maintenance

So here is the first of many Sandwich rants. Ask and you shall receive people! Yesterday while working at Sandwiches two women come in and ask me about splitting a large sub. I told them they would both be getting a six inch sub and we could put certain things on half and not on the other half. I told them that the only thing we couldn't do half of was the meat because that needs to be the same throughout the whole sub. I have no problem whatsoever with someone splitting a large sub...we do it on a daily basis. When the ticket comes back the first thing I read is large hook and ladder (ham and turkey sub) with ham on half and turkey on the other. What the fuck did I just get finished telling you bitches. And the damn cashier even allowed them to do it knowing damn well we don't do that kind if crap. The first half was ham and provolone, lite mayo, chopped pickle, and no tomatoes. The second half was no mayo, extra chopped pickle, extra lettuce and extra tomato. We send out the subs and five seconds later it comes back, I don't know what was wrong with it the first time but apparently the bitch eating the turkey side has a bunch of restrictions on her diet. So of course I'm a little pisses because I know I made the sub correctly in the first place. So we remake the damn thing and I make the bread the exact way it says on the ticket. We send it out and five seconds later it comes back again. Apparently the cashier rang in the sub wrong and the woman with the turkey can't eat cheese and blah blah blah. IF YOU HAVE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS ON WHAT YOU EAT MAKE IT EASIER ON EVERYBODY AND ORDER YOUR OWN DAMN SUB! After the third aggravating try it is finally right and they eat it all the while I just want to shove that sub down her freaking throat. All that shit to save two dollars, we are short staffed and in the middle of a busy lunch. And then there is this little bitch named Sharon that comes in every once in a while. She used to come in everyday but ever since we caught her robbing us blind of brownies, cookies and chips she's too embarrassed to come in as often. At Sandwiches we pride our selves on toasting the bread and steaming the meat and the cheese. Well apparently this bitch got kicked out of Quiznos because she always wants her meat toasted. I swear this bitch is always trying to refer to herself as a regular and we the crew refuse to acknowledge it. Every time she calls to phone in her order she says this is Sharon, tell them my name and they'll know how to make it. Sorry bitch, tell us how you want it or your going to steam it even though we know damn well you want it toasted.

Lets move right along to Restaurant X. The other day as I was taking an order I realized there is something I have yet to write about in my blog. DON'T ARGUE WITH YOUR SERVER ABOUT WHAT IS ON THE MENU, WHAT IT COMES WITH, OR HOW YOU GOT IT LAST TIME. I cannot stand it when someone tries to order something that isn't on the menu and then argues with me about it. Excuse me dick head, but I fucking work here. I have taken a menu test and I sure as fuck know what is on the menu better than you do. When you order a pasta at Restaurant X it comes with a salad and does not include a side. It has never come with a side and if you got one before than you fucking paid $2.19 for it. I also hate it when someone orders an appetizer as their dinner and want a side salad to come out before it. Then they get pissed when they get charged $5.99 for the salad because it says on the menu that you can add a side salad for $2.49 with any entree. A fucking appetizer is not an entree...learn how to read. Maybe when you came in last time your server only charged you 2 bucks but unless I like your ass a whole lot I'm not going to do that for you. Order an entree like a big boy and pay your bill. Also, this is not Ruby Tuesday...we do not have flavored lemonade or tea. If you ask me what flavor tea we have the answer is sweet or unsweet and we carry yellow lemonade...not pink. I can't stand it when you sleazy freaks at the bar make sexual comments every time I walk past you. I'm sorry but any guy that is going to sleaze it up at a restaurant bar isn't my type. Don't sit there and harass me for my number...the only reason I am talking to you to begin with is for the money. And one last annoyance for today...I hate it when you middle aged people tell me all about how you used to be a server and know what its like to run around and be under appreciated and under tipped and then leave me 10%. If your going to shit me then fine, believe me I'm used to it but don't sit up here and bring up my injustices.

Let me address an issue that I have been receiving a bit of flack for. I cuss a lot...but all I have to say for myself is that this is my way of releasing frustration while entertaining you at the same time. If you can't stand the cursing than please see the X at the right corner of the page. This is who I am and this is how I feel. Welcome to MY blog :)

Save the Service Industry

I feel as though I have taught the consumer pretty much the basic lessons to not being a dick when they go out to eat. While it is never hard to think about aggravating things that people do on the daily basis I feel as though we should broaden our horizons a bit. As all of you know, I wait tables. What some of you may not know is that I also work a second job ever day before I go to Restaurant X. I make subs at a place I'll call Sandwiches. I am what you call a slave to the service industry. A couple of friends have mine have suggested that I include my sub making artistry into my blog. Which has me thinking I now have another example of the service industry to blab about. Which also makes me think I should change the name of my blog.

So here its goes. Ever since I was in high school I've had a job at Sandwiches. My mananger...who I'll call November is the coolest boss I've ever had. The job is easy (I mean how hard is it to make subs) the pay is good, and some (NOT ALL) of my coworkers are awesome. Other than that everything else is just as aggravating as waiting tables. A typical day at work starts at about 10:30...I walk in the door and either start rolling meat or rolling pickles. By 11:30 we are slammed. Since we are right across from a large hospital we are busy as hell every day. What I like about working at Sandwiches is that I make the food in the scenario and the only contact I have with a customer is when they ask me to add something on their sub that they forgot to tell the cashier. What I love about making subs is that I don't have to be fake nice and super attentive and since I get paid by the hour I can be short with you if I think you are being rude. My biggest issue about working here is that I have been working at Sandwiches for 4 years of my life and I absolutely can not stand some of my dumbass coworkers. Making subs is the easiest job on the planet...if you can drive your car you can operate a register...and if you can wipe your ass you can make a sub. Whenever I write my upcoming blogs and I am talking about Sandwiches you are going to hear me bitch about two people for the most part. The first who I will call Little Tooth has been working at Sandwiches for a little over a month now. He is not only extremely horrible at this job but he is always huffing and puffing. Ugh...just looking at this guy annoys me. The second person I will talk a lot about shall be called Humpty Dumpty. She has been working at Sandwiches since before Christmas and I swear to God everyday is like her first day. She never listens when she is told to do something...she has absolutely no common sense and she still has no idea how to run the register. Get this...she has told us that in her previous job she was an EMT...are you fucking kidding me? I bet this bitch has the highest fatality rate in the United States. So that is basically an intro into a new part of my blog.

So back to the usual. Its been a really busy couple of days. No slow Monday or Tuesday nights to report about her...and the weekend was slammed also. I'm going to start listing a couple of examples of rude behavior that are still bothering me.
A young couple comes and sits on the patio with me last night. They order two appetizers, cocktails and hamburgers with side salads. After chatting with them I learn that the boyfriend manages a Waffle House. We gripe back and forth about server injustice and as they leave they tell me to keep the change with a wink and I open the book to see $4 dollars on a $45 dollar tab. I HATE YOU CHEAP BITCHES WHO BRAG ABOUT WORKING IN RESTAURANTS AND LEAVE A SHITTY TIP! YA'LL ARE A BUNCH OF TRASHY MOTHERFUCKERS! On Saturday night I was cocktailing and around 12 it becomes a watering hole of servers getting off of work with money in their pockets. Some of them are rude or in there own world and then they order lots of cheap beer and I'm running around like a crack head getting them refills and then they leave two fucking dollars. What these servers don't know is that I am keeping a mental checklist and one day I am going to sit in your section and remind you kindly about how I recognize you from Restaurant X and then I am going to run your ass off. And then I am going to leave you only enough of a tip to cover your tip share. On the flip side...I love it when servers come in and eat. When I go out to eat I always make sure to tell my server that I wait tables so they know that not only am I going to hook them up, but that I expect service in a timely manner. Most servers who go out to eat are always more than generous and fun to take care of.
Yesterday a family requested to sit on the patio. There is a smoking ban in Columbia but customers at Restaurant X are allowed to smoke on the patio. As soon as this 12 year old girl goes outside she has a fucking breakdown and starts sobbing as they take her inside. Apparently she is sensitive to cigarette smoke. The most annoying part was fifteen minutes later when she was sitting inside she was still fucking crying! Get the fuck over it you little spoiled bitch. My momma would have beat my little butt if I acted like that in a restaurant. And even more aggravating still was five minutes later when I'm busy as hell this little brat is getting in my way by standing right near the computer I need to get to doing fucking ballerina swirls. I hate kids.
I had a man with his family order a double shot of McGillicuddy and then immediately told my to hurry up. Number one, fuck you. Number two, your not my only table. And number three, just because you said that I am going to take forever. Anyone who is that rude isn't going to leave you a good tip and if they do it's because they know that's the price they have to pay to be rude and still have good karma when they leave.

Too my fellow coworkers...how funny is it listening to Generals little pep talks. That guy is Forest Gump...makes me laugh hearing him try to use all these big words in the wrong context ;)

Lesson 7

Good Lord, have I really written this many blogs? Better yet...are people still reading them?! For some reason you people must be as crazy as me...so here is another blog for you. This week has been pretty slow so far (as usual) and today I had plenty of time to make a list of aggravating shit I have yet to blog about. Before we get into all that I would like to take the opportunity to write about the many "regulars" we have at Restaurant X. Nothing puts a smile on my face more than seeing a regular sitting down at my table. I always give my regulars the best service because not only do I see them twice a week but I like them and they like me. I was shocked to read yesterday that a man wrote for the New York Post that a diners biggest fear when eating at a restaurant is that their server will recognize them. What planet is this guy from? He was saying that being known as a regular scares people away from eating there too often because they are "pressured" into ordering a certain food and tipping a certain way. After reading his list of shitty reasons why it would suck to be a regular I realized this guy was just a cheap ass. When a regular walks in I don't walk up to him with a knife and demand he order the same Jack and ginger and that his old ass mother order a St. Gay rum and diet coke. I really don't care what he orders but I know he appreciates the fact we know what he likes. I go to the same Kangaroo everyday when I get off of work to buy a grape cigarillo and it pisses me off every time this bitch asks to see my i.d. I try not to be insulted but I find it hard to believe that after 9 months of seeing my face she doesn't at least know I am over the age of 18 by now. But before you diners get all excited about being well known at a restaurant be aware that there are two types of regulars. The first type is the kind that you are able to converse with about everyday things, they don't expect all of your attention and they take care of you for taking great care of them. And then there are the notorious regulars...and every restaurant has them. When I worked at Outback Steakhouse this jerk named Carl came in every night drinking the cheapest wine, talking as loud as possible and staying until more than an hour past close. He would always beg for a free glass of wine and leave a decent/shitty tip. At Restaurant X we have the biggest dickhead ever. Let me give you a quick rundown on this man, he is a middle aged gay black man who refuses to sit with anyone but Hunky and has been kicked out of Restaurant X numerous times but for some reason ALWAYS comes back. I just don't fucking get it! When he is not getting kicked out he is bitching about something that isn't perfect...he NEVER comes in and has a quiet dinner and leaves. Why go into a restaurant if you hate everything about it?! The first time I ever met this guy I fucked up and put the wrong chicken on the wrong salad. When I put the salad down on the table he starts freaking out. "What is this? This is grilled chicken not blackened chicken! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
I mean I honestly thought this guy was kidding at first. "Get this food out of my face right now, ma'am."
As I go to take the food off the table the woman sitting with him tells me to leave it and go get Hunky. "No! I said get this food out of my face right now!"
Then the back and forth. Take it, leave it, take it, leave it. Finally I threw my hands up and told the table I would go get their server. As I am walking into the kitchen this crazy ass man is literally chasing me down yelling at me to get the food out of his face. I'll be the first to admit that I fucked up but I have never seen anyone freak out like that before. Well tonight the man comes back in to eat with Hunky and again starts with his weird shit. He complained to a manager because while he and his server were talking, a neighboring table interrupted them to ask for something. How the fuck is that our fault? And what is the point in complaining to a manager about it? Is he going to walk up to that table and be like...excuse me you have really offended this asshole sitting behind you for interrupting him while he was ordering his pizza...can you please shut the fuck up? This situation really fucking pisses me off. Do you have any idea how many times I have been taking an order only to have some impatient dickhead yanking the linen on my ass for some fucking ranch? Or hear them yelling "Hey you...I need another refill!" Yes Mr. Miserable, that shit is rude...so maybe you'll stop doing it now too. All I can say is thank God for the normal regulars...even if one of them writes erotic vampire novels and wears nipple rings to dinner!

Today while bussing one of my tables I noticed a bunch of things that are really fucking annoying. First things first. WHY ARE YOU STEALING THE PEPPER GRINDER/SALT SHAKER/SUGAR CADDY OFF OF THESE TABLES?! I hate you diners who do that so much. Honestly, what do you need that sugar caddy for? What are you going to do when your pepper grinder needs refilling? I get bitched at by my boss every time I have to ask for one of the $25 chrome sugar caddys. "You need to be watching these people. Chase them down if you have too." HAHAHAHA chase them down if I have too? Yeah I am going to chase after some broke ass jerk who probably stiffed me before stealing this salt shaker for $2.13 an hour. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MANAGEMENT, REALLY. Like I've said before I was born with two arms not three and I was also born with one set of eyes...and they are not located in the back of my head. I have way to much other crap going through my head at work to think, "Hmmm....are those trashy motherfuckers stealing my pepper grinder right now?"
Let me give you a little insight as to what I am thinking about when I am fairly busy at work. Take tables 3s order and get them ranch for their wings, get table 4 two waters and ketchup for their fries, table 5 needs two spoons for their dessert before it gets to their table, three boxes and a check, I need to get some ice for the ice bin and stock some glasses and I need to run some food for my boss. A common misconception is that all our job entails is getting your food. No ignorant mother fuckers...its not. I have my running side-work which can be anything from stocking glasses and ice to making coffee and tea and I always have to be running food out of the kitchen to other tables.
Also, while I was collecting all the napkins and glasses off the table I was bussing I noticed all the salt on the beverage napkins...and the rest of the table. Yeah I know people do it so that the napkin won't stick to the bottom of the glass...but WHO GIVES A FUCK?! Are you drinking from the bottom of your glass? Seriously, why does it matter if a napkin is stuck to your glass when you are letting it sit on a napkin in the first place? Plus, that stupid salt trick doesn't work anyway!

So the other day I was saying how I would like to start grading my service when I go out to eat so that we servers would know what we need to work on. Since that time I have gone out to eat three times and I don't have a single complaint (surprisingly). So far my conclusion is servers rule, consumers suck. Can we start a Save the Servers movement? It goes like this...go out to eat, leave your server the tip they deserve and write the web address savetheservers.blogspot.com on the top of your check! Also my mother was reading my blog and said that I needed to "clean up my language, missy." All i gotta say is...sorry Mom ;)