Lesson 7

Good Lord, have I really written this many blogs? Better yet...are people still reading them?! For some reason you people must be as crazy as me...so here is another blog for you. This week has been pretty slow so far (as usual) and today I had plenty of time to make a list of aggravating shit I have yet to blog about. Before we get into all that I would like to take the opportunity to write about the many "regulars" we have at Restaurant X. Nothing puts a smile on my face more than seeing a regular sitting down at my table. I always give my regulars the best service because not only do I see them twice a week but I like them and they like me. I was shocked to read yesterday that a man wrote for the New York Post that a diners biggest fear when eating at a restaurant is that their server will recognize them. What planet is this guy from? He was saying that being known as a regular scares people away from eating there too often because they are "pressured" into ordering a certain food and tipping a certain way. After reading his list of shitty reasons why it would suck to be a regular I realized this guy was just a cheap ass. When a regular walks in I don't walk up to him with a knife and demand he order the same Jack and ginger and that his old ass mother order a St. Gay rum and diet coke. I really don't care what he orders but I know he appreciates the fact we know what he likes. I go to the same Kangaroo everyday when I get off of work to buy a grape cigarillo and it pisses me off every time this bitch asks to see my i.d. I try not to be insulted but I find it hard to believe that after 9 months of seeing my face she doesn't at least know I am over the age of 18 by now. But before you diners get all excited about being well known at a restaurant be aware that there are two types of regulars. The first type is the kind that you are able to converse with about everyday things, they don't expect all of your attention and they take care of you for taking great care of them. And then there are the notorious regulars...and every restaurant has them. When I worked at Outback Steakhouse this jerk named Carl came in every night drinking the cheapest wine, talking as loud as possible and staying until more than an hour past close. He would always beg for a free glass of wine and leave a decent/shitty tip. At Restaurant X we have the biggest dickhead ever. Let me give you a quick rundown on this man, he is a middle aged gay black man who refuses to sit with anyone but Hunky and has been kicked out of Restaurant X numerous times but for some reason ALWAYS comes back. I just don't fucking get it! When he is not getting kicked out he is bitching about something that isn't perfect...he NEVER comes in and has a quiet dinner and leaves. Why go into a restaurant if you hate everything about it?! The first time I ever met this guy I fucked up and put the wrong chicken on the wrong salad. When I put the salad down on the table he starts freaking out. "What is this? This is grilled chicken not blackened chicken! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
I mean I honestly thought this guy was kidding at first. "Get this food out of my face right now, ma'am."
As I go to take the food off the table the woman sitting with him tells me to leave it and go get Hunky. "No! I said get this food out of my face right now!"
Then the back and forth. Take it, leave it, take it, leave it. Finally I threw my hands up and told the table I would go get their server. As I am walking into the kitchen this crazy ass man is literally chasing me down yelling at me to get the food out of his face. I'll be the first to admit that I fucked up but I have never seen anyone freak out like that before. Well tonight the man comes back in to eat with Hunky and again starts with his weird shit. He complained to a manager because while he and his server were talking, a neighboring table interrupted them to ask for something. How the fuck is that our fault? And what is the point in complaining to a manager about it? Is he going to walk up to that table and be like...excuse me you have really offended this asshole sitting behind you for interrupting him while he was ordering his pizza...can you please shut the fuck up? This situation really fucking pisses me off. Do you have any idea how many times I have been taking an order only to have some impatient dickhead yanking the linen on my ass for some fucking ranch? Or hear them yelling "Hey you...I need another refill!" Yes Mr. Miserable, that shit is rude...so maybe you'll stop doing it now too. All I can say is thank God for the normal regulars...even if one of them writes erotic vampire novels and wears nipple rings to dinner!

Today while bussing one of my tables I noticed a bunch of things that are really fucking annoying. First things first. WHY ARE YOU STEALING THE PEPPER GRINDER/SALT SHAKER/SUGAR CADDY OFF OF THESE TABLES?! I hate you diners who do that so much. Honestly, what do you need that sugar caddy for? What are you going to do when your pepper grinder needs refilling? I get bitched at by my boss every time I have to ask for one of the $25 chrome sugar caddys. "You need to be watching these people. Chase them down if you have too." HAHAHAHA chase them down if I have too? Yeah I am going to chase after some broke ass jerk who probably stiffed me before stealing this salt shaker for $2.13 an hour. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MANAGEMENT, REALLY. Like I've said before I was born with two arms not three and I was also born with one set of eyes...and they are not located in the back of my head. I have way to much other crap going through my head at work to think, "Hmmm....are those trashy motherfuckers stealing my pepper grinder right now?"
Let me give you a little insight as to what I am thinking about when I am fairly busy at work. Take tables 3s order and get them ranch for their wings, get table 4 two waters and ketchup for their fries, table 5 needs two spoons for their dessert before it gets to their table, three boxes and a check, I need to get some ice for the ice bin and stock some glasses and I need to run some food for my boss. A common misconception is that all our job entails is getting your food. No ignorant mother fuckers...its not. I have my running side-work which can be anything from stocking glasses and ice to making coffee and tea and I always have to be running food out of the kitchen to other tables.
Also, while I was collecting all the napkins and glasses off the table I was bussing I noticed all the salt on the beverage napkins...and the rest of the table. Yeah I know people do it so that the napkin won't stick to the bottom of the glass...but WHO GIVES A FUCK?! Are you drinking from the bottom of your glass? Seriously, why does it matter if a napkin is stuck to your glass when you are letting it sit on a napkin in the first place? Plus, that stupid salt trick doesn't work anyway!

So the other day I was saying how I would like to start grading my service when I go out to eat so that we servers would know what we need to work on. Since that time I have gone out to eat three times and I don't have a single complaint (surprisingly). So far my conclusion is servers rule, consumers suck. Can we start a Save the Servers movement? It goes like this...go out to eat, leave your server the tip they deserve and write the web address savetheservers.blogspot.com on the top of your check! Also my mother was reading my blog and said that I needed to "clean up my language, missy." All i gotta say is...sorry Mom ;)